now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
