I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
