Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
