I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
