why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
