Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
