He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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