Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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