i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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