Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
