we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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