No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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