and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
