I bet he comes in French.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
