Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
