Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
