Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
