you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
