you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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