I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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