Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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