my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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