Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
