Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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