Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i love accidental penises.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
