i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
