I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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