Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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