i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
BRING THE BAGELS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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