My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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