She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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