her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hate all girls vehemently.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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