Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
