I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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