3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
