I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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