Girls should come with a carfax report
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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