two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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