I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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