Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
