What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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