Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
