I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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