sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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