I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
