I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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