i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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