I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
