Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
