I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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