Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
