I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
