1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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