Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
