just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
