I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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