he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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