apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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