I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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