The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
