Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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