In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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